I must admit, B. and I are doing better than how we were a few months ago. I still hurt. He still hurts. I still feel betrayed, and he still feels.. guilty, I guess. I've started my last year of high school and am about to hand in college applications. B. is still working the same job, different hours, different area, but same job.
I'm still going through a rough spot. But it's getting better. I'm starting to do things again. Read books again, play video games again. B. and I are able to have decent conversations now without me breaking down and crying or completely clamming up into my shell. Sometimes now, I see something that reminds me of him and I smile. Everything that reminded me of him used to disgust me and make me even more upset. We are better, but we have a long way to go. I don't know how we'll do it when I leave for college (that's assuming I do leave).
Pam is a lost friend, simple as that. Sometimes I wonder about her. I've read her online journal and stuff, but have not talked to her personally. I don't know how she is, but last time I talked to her she was suicidal, so since I've seen her online and stuff, then I know she hasn't hung herself or anything.
I've found humor again. There have been a few instances recently where I have been able to joke with B. and be sarcastic and everything. That is the old me, the real me. I am a sarcastic person, I have a sarcastic sense of humor. I've been able to find more joy in things and I think that's a huge step forward.
A couple months ago, I was on B.'s computer and logged on AOL Instant Messenger. I doubled clicked it and it logged onto B.'s username automatically. I didn't sign off, but I scrolled to the bottom and I found Pam's screen name there under "Recent Buddies". I was shocked. I was angry. I called him on it, and he said he honestly did not know how it got there. I was so angry because I thought he lied. The "Recent Buddies" group is a group that AIM makes automatically when someone who is not already on your buddy list Instant Messenges you. The thing about this group is that it cannot be automatically created nor can a person be added to it unless you respond to them. This meant that B. had been talking to her.
He got angry at me for snooping. He said, "how could you have seen her on my buddy list if you didn't scroll all the way down?". He said I had violated his trust. Trust is trust. It doesn't matter if I slept with someone else or I snooped through his buddy list. I still violated it. I felt bad. I said, "you're just mad because you got caught doing something wrong". He said that wasn't it. How is he supposed to trust me now? He said could it be possible that Pam messaged him and while he was doing something he pressed the space bar or the enter key and accepted her message? And then did it again and responded to her?
Sounds like a long shot huh? I don't know if he did or didn't talk to her. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. I just don't want to argue anymore, and when I bring it up he tells me the same thing. So, it could be true that that is what happened.
I just want to get my life back. I don't want my life to revolve around him. I want to be ME again.